How can we expect our children to become intelligent responsible adults?

OK... Where to begin?

First off (SPOILER ALERT) that game, 'Got your nose', it's not really your nose. It's the other guy's thumb, so...

This book appears to be about a vampire who has the power to actually steal people's noses, and then use them as some sort of voodoo doll? What?!

That makes so little sense I'm almost at a loss for words. Almost.

First, witch-doctors, voodoo priestesses, cannibals, American Southerners, witches and occasionally mummies use voodoo dolls. Not vampires.

Second, you can't just have a voodoo doll of one part of a person's body. That's not how it works.

Thirdliest, nobody and i mean nobody can 'get' your nose. Not even a vampire. He could rip it off but that would a totally different problem.

How can we expect our children to grow into responsible, intelligent adults if we keep filling their heads with lies?

Oh yeah, and 'Ragnar', WTF?

NEWSFLASH: Dumb Teens do Dumb Thing While in Small Group

Police are hunting an armed band of skinny, pint-sized punks who pulled a gun on an old dude in Central Park yesterday.

Cops are hoping someone recognizes the twerps and just starts slapping the shit out of them right in front of their friends and a bunch of girls and shit.

Seriously. Teenagers are the dumbest, most dangerous animals on the planet (except maybe bears), and if that's not enough they also take pride in wearing only the lowest fashions...

Read more.

Breaking the Law...

... Yeah. Think I'm just gonna leave it at that.

Super interesting book idea if you are as dumb as a kid

Attention readers under six. This shit is not even a fucking story, or I guess it's a super short one. Here it is:

A cow sneezed. Big motherfucking deal. Grow up and read a real book like Patriot Games or something. Was that a book?

Even Harry Potter would be better. At least that has Quidditch.

"Oh my God! A cow Sneezed! What do we do? Call the firemen, the cops, the X-files, write book.

Yes. Especially the last one.

Great Fart!

"Good fucking rip son!"

"No one in this whole darned city will ever be able to take away my title of 'Man Who Can Fill Every Crevice of an Entire Subway Car with the Rotten Stench of My Own Farting Ass'... Except maybe you son."

"Except maybe you"

"Now let's get home quick and see how mom and the sweet potatoes are doing in the oven."

Buddah Say Laugh!

Oh man! Kids say the darndest things!

Like this one I caught doing some kind of 1930's Chinese restaurant manager skit out front of 30Rock the other day.

"Oh! Shir, shir! You order robster craws?"

"No I didn't order any fucking robster craws you racist punk," I says.

"Ahhhhhhh, sho shaully, sho shaully shir."

Hahahahhaa! Good one kid. Now go for the kill with your nigger trying to get directions in Missouri act!

Welcome!

Welcome to Fused Super-Phenomena!

We basically exist because my wife loves all those online mean-mags like Gawker and D-Listed, and I hate weird, freaky pictures of kids, and figured maybe we could create a site that addressed both of these issues.

About eighteen seconds later, Fused Super-Phenomena was born. Thanks Blogger. You really do make it easy.

We want this to be a place where people can come and be free to make fun of kids without the fear of being condescended on by society or who ever.

Finally, please don't get us wrong this is not an anti-kid website. I have a kid. I love her with all my heart, and there are other children I knd of think are OK too, but most kids... Come on, can you get any dumber? You've seen them, with their vacant, staring, bovine eyes and ear-splitting trills of pleasure every time one of them sees a cat or whatever. God.

Anyway, to get us started I thought I'd use the photo that pushed me over the edge.
This photo is of my good friend Eileen's son who was chosen from the audience to play Eurydice at an NEYT show this weekend.

Who was Eurydice again?

Was he the guy who Zeus punished by freezing in him place and forcing him to listen to a fag sing a super long song about how much he loves helping people out?

Or was he the guy who always got super uncomfortable in crowds and then to cover it up started setting people's dicks on fire with his mind. If so, Kudos to the casting director, because honestly that's what your kid looks like he's about to do in this picture. I hate to break it to you like this Eileen, but the fact is your kid always looks like he's about to set somebody's dick on fire. There. I've said it.

PS Eileen, I was thinking you might want to write some of these with me. Drop me a line and let me know.